Tuesday, May 30, 2006

Hastily Jotted Notes

Why do people look for the holy grail? Why do they fight and die over it? What is it about belief and meaning that make history so relevant?

Things I used to think were silly I see now with so much clarity, the significance of the ages is so awesome. Why do people care about these things? It's more elusive a question than asking what these things really are.

What is more important than a secret? The importance of the secret.

What is more important than knowing? Understanding.

Does that make the secret insignificant? No, to look for something for a lifetime and find that you were looking at it all wrong, that what you were looking for may exist but that there is a greater importance that is on the other side brings shivers to my core... how valuable is a focus that drives an inquiring mind to destinations untold? Does it matter what the focus is?

Monday, May 29, 2006

Things Constantly Lost

I'm always forgetting things, and I ought to write this here, so that I may not forget it again for a very long time. Gamespotting was a very good thing. I came weekly, fanatically almost, to read the opinions of every editor, I found it extremely worth my time in that it offered a lot of insight and inspired a lot of internal debate for me, and gave me a lot of link fodder, and even introduced me to the forums at 3d Buzz where I spent several years time on the forums making good friends.

This is the best Gamespotting editorial ever. I loved every minute of it. It was both intriguing, genuine, and at the very same time satirical to its core.

Whenever I remember Gamespotting, I remember that article, and I happened upon it so easily when in the past I've spent hours digging it up because of my current rank, Minus World.

Curious to the meaning, I did a search on it, and it led me to Gamespotting 87, and at the top of the list, the article I remember so very well. I post the link here, so that maybe I wont forget it so very easily in the future. Here's hoping that I remember where I kept it.

Monday, May 15, 2006

A friend in need

A friend in need

My mom is a friend in need. I need to help her move, I need to make it to a minor emergency clinic on the way home. I need to get my car fixed, it’s leaking radiator fluid, not fun. I need my plants to stop dying. Joe needs a job. My sister needs gas money to get places.

It was a pretty good weekend, had a big party at George’s house on Saturday, he paid for a bbq, and I used logs for the first time ever. Real logs. Three of them cooked everything in my entire grill better than a whole bag of charcoal. It was 18 dollars for a massive bag of pecan wood. The food was wicked delicious; George bought thick tender strip steaks for me to grill, corn, and pineapple. It was wicked awesome. I am never going back to charcoal. Then we went swimming. Again, awesome. My toe hurt really badly after, though. Got to my car at about 2 am then went mother’s day shopping with my sister at walmart and got super good gifts for both of my mothers.

It was a really good day, mostly, finished up around 4:30 am, then went home, played around a bit then slept till 2 in the evening. After that got sushi with my mom and fiddled with my toe then ate dinner with my dad and Mary Ellen. Very good day overall. Then went home and went to sleep very early. The large part of the day was spent trying not to mention how I found out that it was in fact my mom who gave my sister, a smoker now, the first cigarette she ever smoked. I was disillusioned and disappointed.

Anyway, I had intended to go to the doctor this morning but I was still so tired from the night before that I slept till 10. I feel really good now though, not tired at all.

Friday, May 12, 2006


Well, another E3 come and gone. It’s a very exciting time of year, with Call of Cthulhu, Oblivion, Dreamfall, Metroid Prime: Hunters, Worms 3d, Brain Age, Tetris DS, and a host of other games already out, with Heroes V, the best one yet, only around the corner and prepped for release on the 23, wow, with Dark Messiah of Might and Magic, Gothic 3(three near perfect RPGs in a single year!), Star Fox DS, the Wii, Zelda for the Wii, Red Steel, everything for the Wii in general, all the gaming goodness for the DS that I’ve barely touched on, and even MORE games for the PC… this year was already ranking high as years go, if even a quarter of the things that are due out this year make it, it will be definitively the best year in gaming yet. Heck, if you’re a PC gamer, go ahead and count Condemned: Criminal Origins as an amazing game for this year since it got ported last month. I almost want to cry.

Anyway. Life isn’t all fun and games but I’m really not in the mood to write about things that bother me lately. Just gets depressing to write about. There’s lots on my mind that just sort of pushes me one way or another and I have no idea what I want out of life, not even a vague clue. So many opportunities, I just worry that what’s going to happen is I’m going to miss ALL of them, and end up with nothing for lack of deciding on one good thing. I’m already well on my way to that.

Thursday, May 11, 2006



The right side of my toe is so bad it sucks, but because it shrinks all the way down to normal except for the infected bit right over the nail I know it’s not a problem with a serious abscess or anything like that, so I’m not stressed about losing the toe or whatever, I just really need the nail to grow out. *le sigh*

Tonight I’m going to go eat sushi with Jake and some other people to celebrate the end of finals, that should be pretty kick ass.

I’d write more but I’ve been really busy and I don’t have the focus to do it right now, so I’ll probably post again later tonight.

Monday, May 08, 2006



Why do people feel more awake when they dream than they do when they’re awake?
Is it because the feeling of being awake is dulled by the sheer quantity of it, and that feeling, so rare to have in a dream, is so pronounced against a backdrop of complete un-wakefulness?
I somehow doubt it’s either one. It seems to me that there is a greater connection between our dreaming and the most awake moments we have ever experienced in our lives… those moments when we are completely aware of everything around as though each and every thing were alive and reaching for our attention. To be in this state of complete wakefulness, it is like a dream, and dreaming like being at our most awake. When we sleep, our brains process all the things that seem to just float by us without even knowing, that if we were to try to think about it, we wouldn’t even remember seeing… like the guy three seats down in a theater eating popcorn, what he was wearing, when he laughed. Our brains see these things, and they’re inside of us, EVERYTHING is inside of us, and it gets stored up like a great big battery for us to fall asleep and let it explode.

I want to walk through life as though I were completely awake in a way that all of my days are spent in awe and wonder at the vast infinite of everything.

How else could we be so unaware of the difference between sleep and awake?

Friday, May 05, 2006



The ninja pirate zombie robot head's single red eye comes to life, and looks around. It rolls up to a clockwork spine, and attaches itself to it at the neck. The resultant snakelike thing slithers over to a cheap toaster, and connects it to the bottom of the spine.
It then rolls around in pine tar, and attaches a couple of bones to its left side. It repeats this for the right side, and then attaches a clockwork claw to each arm.
Gears whir and bones grind as the thing picks up the Chest of the Bonerdagon and attaches it to the front of its spine. It then grabs a couple more wads of pine tar, and uses them to attach two spiked femurs to the toaster.
Fully constructed, the skeleton grabs a handful of disembodied brains, and casually munches on them as it sews a ninja outfit out of a couple of clockwork sheets.
Glancing at its new threads, it beeps approvingly. It loads its pockets with frigid ninja stars, teeny-tiny ninja stars, and a star throwing star, before grabbing an icy-hot katana with one hand and a blundarrrbuss with the other.
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A Story

A Story

“The Importance of Rules” sounds like the title of a wicked thriller novel. I don’t even know what it would be about. I imagine someone whose life is bound by rules and starts to crumble as their capacity to fill every rule breaks down. Like a 1984 type world, less so to a large degree, from the point of view of someone who feels that the world is the way it should be.
I can imagine their faith breaking down, their questions for the need of the rules becoming more driving as their life tears wildly away from the plan. What society has the right to govern so much of what anyone thinks and feels, to hold anyone to a standard of maintenance in life, the irony of trying to hold humans to a more and more perfect standard.

I want to write that story.
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