Thursday, April 20, 2006

Talking

Talking

There’s not a lot of people I feel really comfortable talking to right now, I imagine I desire to crawl inside of a tiny shell where no one can talk to me at all in any way shape or fashion. Almost everyone in my life right now has an issue with me that I dread looking them in the eyes, knowing that it’s on their mind and that it is somehow my fault that it’s there. Joe is homeless, and I haven’t been able to do anything about it, Pattie and I broke up, and now she’s doing things like writing to Christ, telling him he never has to talk to her again. Marcia, Tara, and Mike all have this issue with the lease and house going, and that is a large stress in my life. That’s why I’m posting here. I think I’m going to give up my livejournal. That’s where I went for my room mates, I’ll still go there to look at Pattie’s blog, and to read my friends blogs, but for the most part, I don’t want to share with too many people.

I know Pattie will read this. I like that she reads this blog, I like that she knows my thoughts; she’s one of my best friends in the world. Chris might read this too. It seems that yesterday started out okay and then got very sad very fast. Maybe I was wrong in my decision and what I did. I didn’t premeditate it, it just sort of felt like the right thing to do about the issues that were being talked about. My brain is wrapping around itself full of questions and bothersome troubles.

I think that after Pattie reads this, she’s going to avoid me for the rest of the day, which is sad because this is my way of telling her that no matter what, I still want to spend the day talking to her. Things change though, and eventually she’s going to stop being comfortable with me, and she’ll stop talking to me, like so many people do, and ultimately move on.

Change is scary. Especially quarters.

I haven’t written in a while. It’s funny how I’ve done the least writing in times when the most has happened. Life has changed dramatically in the past week or so and it’s really emotional for me to talk about. Mike left for NJ on Monday morning and was really busy before that so little was seen of him. Won’t see him very much ever again. Maybe 3 times a year, tops.

Watching a cooking show right now where a guy made ice cream by taking the ingredients and his hand cranked ice cream maker to a glacier and hacking ice right out of the landscape. After he made it he said, “This is a rather complicated way of making ice cream, you can use a machine if you don’t have a hand cranked maker, and certainly if you don’t have a glacier handy you can use it right out of the freezer, but I like it better this way.”

That is funny to me… glacier made ice cream.

Sorry, that just seemed so immediate and wanted to write it before I forgot it before I went on with the heavy stuff.

So, I’m confused. I’m also pretty lonely. Sad is an excellent adjective for parts of how I feel, and incomplete as well. I’m really tired of writing all of this, even though it’s still fairly short and not a complete compilation of my feelings.

I want to write every day again. Maybe that will help me feel better.
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