Friday, September 19, 2003

I wrote poetry:

Something Beautiful

I see a rose I bought today,
I laid it out where last night I did lay.
My eyes were sealed for untold hours,
Their lashes crusted by my tears’ powers.

I sat all day with my mind wandering,
Something beautiful I was pondering.
My knuckles white for all my soul was fighting,
My palms sting where my nails are biting.

Something inside of me is screaming,
Inside my head everything is steaming.
I held something beautiful in my grasp,
It was pulled away so fast I didn’t have time to gasp.

The light of the whole world dimmed,
Every breath I take is now shortly trimmed.
Within me I feel nothing but burning coal,
My whole world is gone I no longer have a goal.

Part of me screams that all I want is to have it back,
But my trust is gone and would always lack.
Sometimes things just can never be returned,
The thoughts that I can ever have it again are spurned.

This rose breaks my will it mocks my numbing pain,
All my happiness I ever felt did drain.
I grasp its stem and get pierced to the bone,
Blood just can’t take away that I am all alone.

They say move on and find another,
My loss cannot be replaced by any other.
I tear off a single petal,
The soft sound grates like breaking metal.

Every bit of my anger and hatred seethe,
I know the only way to heal is to grieve.
I want to destroy something beautiful,
Show the whole world something painful.

Ravage a flower and smash it into the earth,
Throw a book in the fire and watch it burn in the hearth.
Beautiful things make the world a better place,
I want to steal the happiness from another face.

I want to destroy something beautiful and precious,
This craving for destruction I find is salacious.
The meaning of all my hard work,
Was lost to something that in the shadows did lurk.

To destroy something unique unseen by anyone,
BREAK the happiness that already belongs to some other one.
Blind by rage and veins flowing with anger,
I just want to lash out and hurt a total stranger.

I can’t do anything to help myself heal.
With emptiness inside it’s all I can do just to feel.
Everything feels like it’s hollow and looks like it’s gray,
The feeling that nothing is real anymore just won’t go away.

I don’t know why I’m crying again from this emotional fall,
Cause my senses are yelling that I can’t feel anything at all.
The aching cuts in my hand feel worn and tired and run with blood,
Flowers I smashed in the soil are caked with reddening mud.

My lips salted with my tears are burning,
Everything in my stomach is churning.
The strength in my knees starts to slip,
Their crash to the ground is like an eternal trip.

It all starts to leave, all the anger and fear,
I’m losing again what I began to hold dear.
The hurt and the rejection, everything I just bundled inside,
They slid through my grip even as I cried.

I feel so empty now and hurt and lonely,
I guess there really is a one and only.
I feel like all I have left to love is me,
I want the world to just let my pain be.

I took a pirate aptitude test:

You are The Cap'n!

Some men are born great, some achieve greatness and some slit the throats of any man that stands between them and the mantle of power. You never met a man you couldn't eviscerate. Not that mindless violence is the only avenue open to you - but why take an avenue when you have complete freeway access? You are the definitive Man of Action. You are James Bond in a blousy shirt and drawstring-fly pants. Your swash was buckled long ago and you have never been so sure of anything in your life as in your ability to bend everyone to your will. You will call anyone out and cut off their head if they show any sign of taking you on or backing down. You cannot be saddled with tedious underlings, but if one of your lieutenants shows an overly developed sense of ambition he may find more suitable accommodations in Davy Jones' locker. That is, of course, IF you notice him. You tend to be self absorbed - a weakness that may keep you from seeing enemies where they are and imagining them where they are not.

What's Yer Inner Pirate?
brought to you by The Official Talk Like A Pirate Web Site. Arrrrr!

You have been warned.

Monday, September 15, 2003

Previously mentioned Freenet turns out to be a big disapointment after a weekend of use and abuse. As my friends were quick to point out some of the content on there was extremely offensive and illegal for good reasons, for instance pirated episodes of Star Trek: Enterprise. I will never be the same. As far as good content on there goes, there were some serious isues with speed and even availability as a page could take anywhere from a minute to sixty minutes to load if you could get it to load at all. This will not vary from user to user, it's pretty much the nature of the way the network is built and hidden to preserve annonymity.

Not much else to say. Been doing a lot of 3d work. Got a new bed.. a nice little futon thing for my room... should be comfortable, and a place for friends to sit again. I'll write more tomorrow.

Friday, September 12, 2003

Okay, I had a long post that said a lot of stuff and asked a lot of questions. It's gone now because of my stupid dialup connection. I HATE DIAL-UP. I can't wait to get home and back on my cable connection.
Earlier this week RIAA's outright confrontational behavior jumped about 1000 notches. They hate file sharing, they hate you if you share files, and now if you're an end consumer they want to get you and make you pay for what you stole. It's big enough it warranted mention by Tycho of Penny-Arcade.
I don't download music from file sharing programs much, I can't afford the CDs and I don't feel right when I have things I don't own. So I see eye to eye with Tycho's opinion, I find it kindof hard to be really mad at the RIAA for suing people for breaking the law. It mayb be silly, they may be making the worst resort instead of thinking of other models of business, but darn it they have every right to persue those interests under U.S. law and I just can't be mad at them for it. Music isn't really my thing so I can live without it.
Tycho went on further to say that perhaps equally dumb a move on the parts of consumers is to not ensure that they are anonymous. And linked to some anonymous file sharing programs. And something very cool too. I was immediately impressed with freenet as a sort of pillar of free speach in a world gone mad.
Really good people are not sane. Look at them in the movies, they let themselves die for other people. They suffer for what is right. In this case it's about taking the good with the bad of free speach. If it weren't getting more and more important to be anonymous when you did things then the world would be a better place. You can admit to crimes and not be found. Anonymity can be so easily abused. And so you must ask yourself, what cost is my freedom worth?
If you spend any length of time on freenet it will become readily apparent that anything that can be abused, will be. And yet perhaps it is best to accept the good with the bad as a price for our own freedom. There is a dark side to that kind of freedom, there will be a lot of bad things there, so enter knowing what youre getting into and remember that freedom is always faught for by the criminals who opose unjust laws.

Thursday, September 11, 2003

Congradulations to me, this Blog is now unofficially interconnected with all things and is there for a full fledged member of the general mishmash of all space and time. That's quite an achievment if you lie to yourself and tell yourself that's quite an achievment.

Not much to say today, I've been working on a story that I think is pretty interesting and in my head it is actually going somewhere. Who knew right? Maybe I should outline it so I can remember where it's heading.

Monday, September 08, 2003

As none of you know because I havent said a word, my project was falsely represented in the image I have been representing it with. The full and complete project is actually rater dull and my current wallpaper came from a good amount of goofing off when I got bored and yet was impressive enough in a still to warant a followup project being requested. It was a great deal more fun to do I'll admit but I loved working on both of them and it only took a week. Which if you knew how much I really worked on it you would tell me was of course too long, unless you are familiar with my history as a procrastinator. Im lucky I didnt take four weeks. All the while I was working Joe sat behind me working away on his own project tutorials, moving ever towards real character design and animation. Stuff I am no where near, if you look carefully at my projects the simplistic nature of the models will be obviously apparent. I've got writting I want to do now, adieu.

Friday, September 05, 2003

It is an AWESOME day today. I succeeded in the first story quest for Star Wars: Galaxies. Not a huge reward but I've done my part for the rebellion against the empire. By the way, for all those interested I decided to post a link to my review for the game Tron 2.o. I've been working diligently on my project, I won't post anymore pictures though. Really that last picture wasn't even a part of the project but I got bored and I moved the project way ahead for the things I knew I would do when the details were finished and then I put a great big ball of flame and some dramatic red lighting in there which ended up having some incredible effects that were totally worth keeping. It's all well and good. My friend Gabrielle is doing a lot better and I'm really glad, I wish her all the best. Mike is doing well, his grades are high, and Zac will be back here tomorrow. I think I'll be throwing him a welcome home grilling with some of the best fajitas the world has ever tasted. Want the recipe?

Take thinly sliced skirt steak and marinade overnight in a good marinade, I can't take credit for this bit because I use a stor bought marinade, lemon pepper is the best I've found.

Slice sweet onion into rings, along with semi thin sliced strips of green red and yellow peppers for color and taste.

In an empty bowl sprinkle a little bit of wine, REAL WINE not cooking wine, a little pepper, if you have it... about a quarter of a teaspoon of habanero powder. Email me at [email protected] if you want some, I can either give instructions to make it or maybe send some. Some pepper and a light sprinkling of vinigar. Mix all the vegetables well to give them a very light coating, tossing them in the mixture sprinling medium doses of wine over till their color changes. Grind some more pepper over them and sprinkle ginger on them. Then finely mince a cup of cilantro and mix well, further recoating all of the vegies with the spices. Let sit all night is best, but if you do this a few hours before cooking it is fine. When the meat is drained of the marinade sprinkle with ginger and pepper. Cook meat however you do... I have a sort of wire mesh basket with a handle that lets me cook over and open fire small things like meat strips and well cut veggie strips though you always lose some of the onions as they go the most limp from cooking. Cook meat until it is half done, then mix vegetables and stir frequently till peppers are well chared and roasted and onions are tender brown and occasionally blackened on the edges. The meat should be tender and juicy, if it is dry next time add veggies earlier if it is too raw keep cooking till the meat is done and add the veggies later next time. Voila, best fajitas ever. Always Squirt with fresh lime juice JUST before eating.

Wednesday, September 03, 2003

Contrary to the past week I have done absolutely nothing productive today :Smile: I even woke up early to start working hard on it. Went to sleep at two a.m. and woke up at 7. Looks like some old school habits are kicking in. Maybe it's because I've been exercising lately. Its wreaking havok on me but I need it to. I am feeling a little better that i didnt alienate my good friend, but some bad things happened to them over the weekend and I am very worried... I have lots to do on my project.. i expect to be very busy all week, I need to be...

Tuesday, September 02, 2003

Well, yet another productive day. I spent today writing my Tron 2.o review and posting it on an obscure website in their gaming forums. It was a wonderful game and I enjoyed the ride but it's a themepark I want to leave for a while. I've been playing games a lot for a long time and lately I've been thinking of visiting other pastures before coming back. Maybe I'll do what a month ago I would have thought was a real sacrifice and not play Half-Life 2. I have comics to draw and I need inspiration for them, I have stories to write and I need characters to put in them. I have pictures to paint. Projects to finish. My life has recently felt a little empty and I need to find something to fill it with. I'm going to bend all my efforts to start trying to fill it with a Multimedia and Web Design degree from the local art institute. And if I think I can hack it, maybe a degree in Animation and Art Design instead. It's a much harder program and its a bachelor's now when even the associates was more expensive. Of course, the desire to chuck it all and move to Italy is tempting.

Monday, September 01, 2003

Another awesome weekend, a full 3 days. By sunday I had begun working on a new project. And I think I alienated someone very close to me permanently and I may never talk to her again and I'm feeling very bad about it. Worse only people who will make fun of me will probably read this and she won't. I grilled last night, and tonight. Hamburgers and hotdogs yesterday, savory marinated fajitas today. They melted in my mouth like butter... it was delicious. It was all a lot of fun, with some F-Zero thrown into the mix. I found some pictures of myself, very high quality. I'll put them online tomorrow. I felt like I had a lot to say, but I'm starting to think about how I messed up this weekend and feeling sick again, so I'm going to stop. See you later.
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