Monday, December 29, 2003

Jeff panted and gasped treasuring each sweet breath into his lungs for mere seconds before he exhaled every one violently into the air. His throat was dry from the rapid wind that flew through it as his lungs struggled to steal every kiss of oxygen within them. The street curb felt like the only solid thing in the world as he sat on it. He could feel a trickle of blood itching at his eyebrow as it began to mingle and submerse the hairs and he reached his arm up, ripe with fresh sweat and he nestled his forehead in the crook of his elbow and wiped it clear across to the underside of his wrist; he then held his palm against his head and looked upwards to the bleak night sky and everything stung like wild fire on his skin. He thought for a second and thought he tasted blood.

His mouth, wide open, smiled wide letting a laugh escape and maybe he even cried a little but his face was so beaded with sweat that even he couldn't know. Every salty drop on his body reflected in their tiny visages a young boy wrestling with all his might and for all his life against his brother. And his eyes held happiness deep within them as they cringed with infinite sadness and happiness all at once.

The arms that had served him so well lost all their strength and his palm fell from his face, the starlight highlighting the blood streaked blond hairs of his arm, and his other let him fall to the ground. His body quivered and maybe he was laughing and maybe he was crying but what David saw, as he knelt on the ground his strength gone, his will to fight fading, scared the hell out of him. It made him feel, it made him feel so strongly that he almost let himself fall. It went against everything he knew and it left him hollow inside, it left him alone because he couldn't see why everything he knew was upside down right now. Why Jeff wasn't angry... why he was laughing!

Jeff's head rolled toward David and his cheek rested on the grass as his sweat dripped onto the fragile green blades. He sprawled his legs out and let his heels rest out on the street. He caught his breath in gulps and David thought he saw some red on his teeth, and watching Jeff try to mouth some words froze him in place and he listened as they started to form and become audible as the noise of the world began to turn back up.

" I... I... " He took a deep breath in and tried again, " I haven't felt so alive in all my life. " and he started to try to force himself up again. David just stared at him, the fight flashing through his brain every second every punch, every single head but flashed at him with pure clarity. The fury that Jeff had fought with had been so pure and brutal; nothing had stopped him as he took blow after blow screaming with fury. David's crouching legs gave out beneath him and he fell on his ass catching himself and holding himself up with his hands behind him. All that fury was just gone.

" What? "

" I feel so good right now... so very, very good, " Jeff gasped his chest rising and falling violently.

" Maybe you just missed it but in case you don't remember you're bleeding pretty bad, maybe you broke your skull, " David spat at him bracing himself for another rush of fury.

" I just don't know, I feel free. "

David reached up and touched a sting on his own brow where his head had hit the curb and felt the cooling damp patch. A damp light red patch was clearly visible on his fingers as he pulled them away. It was barely a scrape apparently. It still stung like hell though. The red though... Yeah, he could see clearly now though, he knew what Jeff was feeling. And he knew what to say.

" Thank you, " Jeff whispered in a sad tone that sounded far, far away and if he hadn't spoken again David would have thought that it was a dream that he dreamed too loud. " Thank you, so very much for helping me. "

David felt something inside himself hurting. That scratched something very old and very strongly rooted in him and he heard himself saying what he needed to say to Jeff. He couldn't force himself to say it but he started scratching at the wall that wouldn't let him speak, he started breaking what he could through the wall. It sounded, though, like he said, " Look... don't thank me. What are you thanking me for? I didn't do anything. "

Jeff lolled. His head just sort of rolled back and forth and landed facing the other way looking at the bright light of the streetlamp. With his face turned away David could see the dark stream of black down Jeff’s cheek. It was smeared sickly, and thin from being diluted by saltwater, but a fresh drizzle was making its way along.

Each statement became weaker and harder to say than the last as he continued to fight the wall inside him and he felt the wall losing. He couldn’t even look at Jeff anymore. Jeff’s pain reminded him of his pain. That pain that he could remember feeling himself so vividly that he began to feel it again. The feel of such great, trapped pain rushing out of yourself like water burning and at the same time leaving you cleansed when it was exposed. “ Jeff, man, I’m… fuck… I’m sorry, I’m really, really sorry. I wasn’t thinking. “

Jeff rolled his head back to David. ” What? “

“ You heard me, “ David said indignantly. He felt insulted and the wall began to close up again. He had opened up to the fucker and apologized, for Christ’s sake, and now he was going to have to listen to some bullshit. David wasn’t going to repeat himself.

“ No. “ Jeff breathed in, heavily grunting the word as he began to push his body back into a sitting position on the curb. “ No, really, I was looking the other way; I didn’t hear what you said. I’m sorry. “
“ Hey, don’t worry about it, it wasn’t important. “ The combination of the pain of sitting up in Jeff’s voice and the honesty made David’s anger fade; but he still wasn’t repeating himself. He decided what to do next though and pulled out his pack of cigarettes and flipped open the box. The first he pulled out was bent and crumpled. David threw it without a second though. Then the next… it was even worse. When he pulled out his last cigarette eventually it was barely better than the first, but, sitting in the street with it in his hand, it occurred to him that it was indeed better than nothing at all and he put the beat up cig in his mouth. He threw the box randomly like all the broken cigarettes and he fished for his lighter, flashed it and then held it with his other hand hooded over it to keep the fire from going out and puffed the cigarette to life before putting it away.

“ Let’s go get something to drink. “ He said after a few drags. “ I’ll buy you a drink. “

“ I’m game for that. “ Jeff replied as he stumbled up onto his wobbly legs and almost fell right back down again. It occurred to David once again as he watched Jeff stumble that merely minutes ago, this man who could barely walk might have killed him. Then, only for a second, the thought that maybe he should have let him flashed through his mind and were gone without a second consideration.

Saturday, December 20, 2003

I am paralyzed by my own duality, I can do nothing without feeling that it was perhaps the wrong thing to do, I fail to push society forward and I drag myself down. I feel I must rebel. I feel I must hate myself and sink to the bottom. I feel it will not be a vacation from happiness but a spiritual battle against which I can do nothing but lose, but which I have to fight. I am afraid of myself. I am afraid of the world. I am afraid I have to do something. I am afraid there's nothing to do.

Thursday, December 11, 2003

Hello friends, going to write a couple more segments in a bit. The world is a little bleak for me, but I don't share the views of the character with my name. He's a lot worse of than he sounds in the last bit, believe it or not he was being friendly and professional. I needed to do some research, I've never actually seen most of the drugs I want to talk about, I only saw weed once. Believe it or not I was pissed that a friend brought it into my house. So I've been having to ask around questions that sound really stupid like "what does crystal meth look like", and "how do you take it?" and then more so "what's it look like when you take it like that?" which i had to ask like 5 times for crystal meth since you can take it so many ways. I mean, maybe I'm a dumbass but I don't really have a clue how Coke makes you feel when you inhale it. Oh well.. just some of my thoughts about the list of things I need to know...

Monday, November 24, 2003

After the last few guests left the auditorium Jeffery got to work. First he picked up all the trash left in chairs, and items left behind on accident he put on the table in the back. Afterwards he started to sweep between the pews and underneath them. Three maybe four gum wrappers, probably from some of the kids, most of the adults were too close to tears. About an hour later all the wood had been polished and he was finished for the day.

Jeff walked to the open casket and looked down at the face fo the deceased. Made to look like he was only sleeping, his head resting on a pillow so soft that the living could only envy it. You couldn't tell by looking but Jeff knew that the head would bend in directions that would make you ill to look at because the neck was so cleanly broken. It had happened because of a skiing accident. He had no wife, no kids. Suddenly Jeff's nostrils stung and flared as fresh smoke wafted up into them.

He spun around startled as much by the smell as though he had been alerted to the other's presence by a punch to the back of his head. David stood there and took another drag on his cigarrette without even batting an eye as Jeff jumped. While Jeff caught his breath, David pulled the cigarrette from his mouth, the red smouldering tip leaving tracers of smoke as he moved his hand to his side and opened his mouth like a spector and a great billowing cloud of smoke poured out as he exhaled darkening his features before disipating into nothing.

" Jittery little guy, aren't you? " he said with his blue eyes leveled at Jeff.

" No... well... yeah... I mean no, I'm, " Jeff stammered as he tried to force out his sentence, " I was just thinking to myself and I didn't hear you behind me. " Then, to recover his ground he added, " How is the reception going? "

David took another drag on his cigarrette, the motion finally irritating Jeff conciously but not enough for him to mention it. " I've hosted more entertaining crowds, but I suppose there isn't anything really wrong with that. What were you thinking about? "

" I don't really know, " he answered, " mostly something along the lines of how bad a card this guy drew from the deck. I mean, he had everything that I wanted. A life of sorts, a job he probably loved, and nice little sports car, and he get's cut off on a ski trip. It's a crying shame is what my sister would say. " Jeff said as he looked back down at the guy in the casket trying to ignore the nagging feeling that Jeff should be taking care of the guests at the reception. Trying to listen to that little voice that told him he was the outsider here. That the guy in the casket was dead and the smoke wouldn't bother him.

" Cry me a river. "

" What? "

" Go ahead and cry me a river with that crying shame bullshit. If the guy had a good life what does it matter when he bites the big one? " David's eyes sparkle as he let the words burn and smoulder and mingle with the smoke wisping from his mouth and nostrils after every drag from the ever shortening cigarrette. " Everyone's got to go sometime, but what does it matter how much fun you had when your dead? You know what the crying shame is? The real irony? "

Jeff only stared.

" This fucker had a good life and he's dead, " David spit the words from his mouth, " and it doesn't make a difference cause he wouldn't have appreciated that extra week if he'd had it. It would have just been another good week. My life is a great big hole of shit and I'm still alive. If I could die a week before I'm supposed to I could appreciate that it was one less week I'd have to come to terms with. That's the real fucking shame "

He turned on his heals in a single smooth motion and walked out of the room his feet tapping on the hardwood floor. Each step resounding clearly in the silent room, each tap of a heal as clear and crisp as every word he said right before he left. When he was out of sight Jeff turned back down and took one last look at the man in the casket. He decided that he couldn't look anymore without feeling sick and he left the room as well.

Monday, November 17, 2003

"I love the stars more than anything else in the world when I look up at them at night now. They used to be just stars, but now, " Robie looked at Gabrielle with eyes that spoke wordlessly what his lips were unable to express. How much more what he saw awed him than he ever previously would have believed that it would have been possible.

She nodded back to him that she understood and to continue as she nuzzled next to his arm and looked back up into the endless night. She felt warm and safe against his arm. His voice calmed her like nothing else could have at the moment. The tears that had streaked her cheeks earlier that night had dried and she could feel their salty trails cooler than the rest of her skin.

Comforted that he didn't need to express something that he didn't know how, Robie continued, " The stars are like a great equalizer for all people. Like nothing else the stars are the same for everyone. No one has been to the stars, and no one alive today will ever visit the stars. We can compare who visited the moon and who has how many probes on mars, and even sent a chunk of metal outside the solar system, but the stars... all people are still equal beneath them. Each one just as unkown as all the others, each one beyond any conceivable distance, and when I look at them now I feel that this one thing and in this one way, I am the same as everyone else. There is no one better than me who has been to the stars, no one worse to me that hasn't been to them though I have. And in a world where there are increasingly more things and goals that make some people better or worse than others, I feel so free that this one thing makes me the same as every single person on earth. "

Gabby smiled as she listened to him. It was a really nice thought, so nice that she couldn't help but think of all the people she was mad at right now, mom, Frank, David. They didn't seem so bad right now, she even felt better about all of them, she felt a little happier. Other people made her feel happy and every time they did she felt a little love for them, right now it was Robie. There was no need to worry about other people right now, that would spoil what she had right now.

Thursday, November 13, 2003

Michael leaned heavily onto the catwalk handrail, as his eyes wandered aimlessly over the internal contents of the facility. His brain simply couldn't decide what to soak in first, the dizzying height of the walk over the floor so far bellow or the machines and fans that still loomed so much higher above. It made him feel small. It made his world feel inconsistant, he could hear the plant running from a half a mile away, but here in it's heart with plugs in his ears there was only a sort of quite but dull roar that he felt in his body. He started as a hand touched him on his shoulder. When he turned around his guide motioned that it was time to move on.

The guide walked down toward a T in the catwalk and pointed at the far end of the split that went to the right to indicate that they were going to turn in that direction. Michael understood and his feet followed but he couldn't take his eyes off of the fans twirling overhead. Each blade he guessed was maybe sixty feet long. Each fan was massive as it spun overhead twirling with purpose and speed. The whole building was filled with activity but most of the machinery were inside of housings and the movement came from the people. The fans were simply godlike he thought as they made the turn and headed across teh plank to move towards the wall closest to the path that linked to the rest of the campus.

Friday, September 19, 2003

I wrote poetry:

Something Beautiful

I see a rose I bought today,
I laid it out where last night I did lay.
My eyes were sealed for untold hours,
Their lashes crusted by my tears’ powers.

I sat all day with my mind wandering,
Something beautiful I was pondering.
My knuckles white for all my soul was fighting,
My palms sting where my nails are biting.

Something inside of me is screaming,
Inside my head everything is steaming.
I held something beautiful in my grasp,
It was pulled away so fast I didn’t have time to gasp.

The light of the whole world dimmed,
Every breath I take is now shortly trimmed.
Within me I feel nothing but burning coal,
My whole world is gone I no longer have a goal.

Part of me screams that all I want is to have it back,
But my trust is gone and would always lack.
Sometimes things just can never be returned,
The thoughts that I can ever have it again are spurned.

This rose breaks my will it mocks my numbing pain,
All my happiness I ever felt did drain.
I grasp its stem and get pierced to the bone,
Blood just can’t take away that I am all alone.

They say move on and find another,
My loss cannot be replaced by any other.
I tear off a single petal,
The soft sound grates like breaking metal.

Every bit of my anger and hatred seethe,
I know the only way to heal is to grieve.
I want to destroy something beautiful,
Show the whole world something painful.

Ravage a flower and smash it into the earth,
Throw a book in the fire and watch it burn in the hearth.
Beautiful things make the world a better place,
I want to steal the happiness from another face.

I want to destroy something beautiful and precious,
This craving for destruction I find is salacious.
The meaning of all my hard work,
Was lost to something that in the shadows did lurk.

To destroy something unique unseen by anyone,
BREAK the happiness that already belongs to some other one.
Blind by rage and veins flowing with anger,
I just want to lash out and hurt a total stranger.

I can’t do anything to help myself heal.
With emptiness inside it’s all I can do just to feel.
Everything feels like it’s hollow and looks like it’s gray,
The feeling that nothing is real anymore just won’t go away.

I don’t know why I’m crying again from this emotional fall,
Cause my senses are yelling that I can’t feel anything at all.
The aching cuts in my hand feel worn and tired and run with blood,
Flowers I smashed in the soil are caked with reddening mud.

My lips salted with my tears are burning,
Everything in my stomach is churning.
The strength in my knees starts to slip,
Their crash to the ground is like an eternal trip.

It all starts to leave, all the anger and fear,
I’m losing again what I began to hold dear.
The hurt and the rejection, everything I just bundled inside,
They slid through my grip even as I cried.

I feel so empty now and hurt and lonely,
I guess there really is a one and only.
I feel like all I have left to love is me,
I want the world to just let my pain be.

I took a pirate aptitude test:

You are The Cap'n!

Some men are born great, some achieve greatness and some slit the throats of any man that stands between them and the mantle of power. You never met a man you couldn't eviscerate. Not that mindless violence is the only avenue open to you - but why take an avenue when you have complete freeway access? You are the definitive Man of Action. You are James Bond in a blousy shirt and drawstring-fly pants. Your swash was buckled long ago and you have never been so sure of anything in your life as in your ability to bend everyone to your will. You will call anyone out and cut off their head if they show any sign of taking you on or backing down. You cannot be saddled with tedious underlings, but if one of your lieutenants shows an overly developed sense of ambition he may find more suitable accommodations in Davy Jones' locker. That is, of course, IF you notice him. You tend to be self absorbed - a weakness that may keep you from seeing enemies where they are and imagining them where they are not.

What's Yer Inner Pirate?
brought to you by The Official Talk Like A Pirate Web Site. Arrrrr!

You have been warned.

Monday, September 15, 2003

Previously mentioned Freenet turns out to be a big disapointment after a weekend of use and abuse. As my friends were quick to point out some of the content on there was extremely offensive and illegal for good reasons, for instance pirated episodes of Star Trek: Enterprise. I will never be the same. As far as good content on there goes, there were some serious isues with speed and even availability as a page could take anywhere from a minute to sixty minutes to load if you could get it to load at all. This will not vary from user to user, it's pretty much the nature of the way the network is built and hidden to preserve annonymity.

Not much else to say. Been doing a lot of 3d work. Got a new bed.. a nice little futon thing for my room... should be comfortable, and a place for friends to sit again. I'll write more tomorrow.

Friday, September 12, 2003

Okay, I had a long post that said a lot of stuff and asked a lot of questions. It's gone now because of my stupid dialup connection. I HATE DIAL-UP. I can't wait to get home and back on my cable connection.
Earlier this week RIAA's outright confrontational behavior jumped about 1000 notches. They hate file sharing, they hate you if you share files, and now if you're an end consumer they want to get you and make you pay for what you stole. It's big enough it warranted mention by Tycho of Penny-Arcade.
I don't download music from file sharing programs much, I can't afford the CDs and I don't feel right when I have things I don't own. So I see eye to eye with Tycho's opinion, I find it kindof hard to be really mad at the RIAA for suing people for breaking the law. It mayb be silly, they may be making the worst resort instead of thinking of other models of business, but darn it they have every right to persue those interests under U.S. law and I just can't be mad at them for it. Music isn't really my thing so I can live without it.
Tycho went on further to say that perhaps equally dumb a move on the parts of consumers is to not ensure that they are anonymous. And linked to some anonymous file sharing programs. And something very cool too. I was immediately impressed with freenet as a sort of pillar of free speach in a world gone mad.
Really good people are not sane. Look at them in the movies, they let themselves die for other people. They suffer for what is right. In this case it's about taking the good with the bad of free speach. If it weren't getting more and more important to be anonymous when you did things then the world would be a better place. You can admit to crimes and not be found. Anonymity can be so easily abused. And so you must ask yourself, what cost is my freedom worth?
If you spend any length of time on freenet it will become readily apparent that anything that can be abused, will be. And yet perhaps it is best to accept the good with the bad as a price for our own freedom. There is a dark side to that kind of freedom, there will be a lot of bad things there, so enter knowing what youre getting into and remember that freedom is always faught for by the criminals who opose unjust laws.

Thursday, September 11, 2003

Congradulations to me, this Blog is now unofficially interconnected with all things and is there for a full fledged member of the general mishmash of all space and time. That's quite an achievment if you lie to yourself and tell yourself that's quite an achievment.

Not much to say today, I've been working on a story that I think is pretty interesting and in my head it is actually going somewhere. Who knew right? Maybe I should outline it so I can remember where it's heading.

Monday, September 08, 2003

As none of you know because I havent said a word, my project was falsely represented in the image I have been representing it with. The full and complete project is actually rater dull and my current wallpaper came from a good amount of goofing off when I got bored and yet was impressive enough in a still to warant a followup project being requested. It was a great deal more fun to do I'll admit but I loved working on both of them and it only took a week. Which if you knew how much I really worked on it you would tell me was of course too long, unless you are familiar with my history as a procrastinator. Im lucky I didnt take four weeks. All the while I was working Joe sat behind me working away on his own project tutorials, moving ever towards real character design and animation. Stuff I am no where near, if you look carefully at my projects the simplistic nature of the models will be obviously apparent. I've got writting I want to do now, adieu.

Friday, September 05, 2003

It is an AWESOME day today. I succeeded in the first story quest for Star Wars: Galaxies. Not a huge reward but I've done my part for the rebellion against the empire. By the way, for all those interested I decided to post a link to my review for the game Tron 2.o. I've been working diligently on my project, I won't post anymore pictures though. Really that last picture wasn't even a part of the project but I got bored and I moved the project way ahead for the things I knew I would do when the details were finished and then I put a great big ball of flame and some dramatic red lighting in there which ended up having some incredible effects that were totally worth keeping. It's all well and good. My friend Gabrielle is doing a lot better and I'm really glad, I wish her all the best. Mike is doing well, his grades are high, and Zac will be back here tomorrow. I think I'll be throwing him a welcome home grilling with some of the best fajitas the world has ever tasted. Want the recipe?

Take thinly sliced skirt steak and marinade overnight in a good marinade, I can't take credit for this bit because I use a stor bought marinade, lemon pepper is the best I've found.

Slice sweet onion into rings, along with semi thin sliced strips of green red and yellow peppers for color and taste.

In an empty bowl sprinkle a little bit of wine, REAL WINE not cooking wine, a little pepper, if you have it... about a quarter of a teaspoon of habanero powder. Email me at [email protected] if you want some, I can either give instructions to make it or maybe send some. Some pepper and a light sprinkling of vinigar. Mix all the vegetables well to give them a very light coating, tossing them in the mixture sprinling medium doses of wine over till their color changes. Grind some more pepper over them and sprinkle ginger on them. Then finely mince a cup of cilantro and mix well, further recoating all of the vegies with the spices. Let sit all night is best, but if you do this a few hours before cooking it is fine. When the meat is drained of the marinade sprinkle with ginger and pepper. Cook meat however you do... I have a sort of wire mesh basket with a handle that lets me cook over and open fire small things like meat strips and well cut veggie strips though you always lose some of the onions as they go the most limp from cooking. Cook meat until it is half done, then mix vegetables and stir frequently till peppers are well chared and roasted and onions are tender brown and occasionally blackened on the edges. The meat should be tender and juicy, if it is dry next time add veggies earlier if it is too raw keep cooking till the meat is done and add the veggies later next time. Voila, best fajitas ever. Always Squirt with fresh lime juice JUST before eating.

Wednesday, September 03, 2003

Contrary to the past week I have done absolutely nothing productive today :Smile: I even woke up early to start working hard on it. Went to sleep at two a.m. and woke up at 7. Looks like some old school habits are kicking in. Maybe it's because I've been exercising lately. Its wreaking havok on me but I need it to. I am feeling a little better that i didnt alienate my good friend, but some bad things happened to them over the weekend and I am very worried... I have lots to do on my project.. i expect to be very busy all week, I need to be...

Tuesday, September 02, 2003

Well, yet another productive day. I spent today writing my Tron 2.o review and posting it on an obscure website in their gaming forums. It was a wonderful game and I enjoyed the ride but it's a themepark I want to leave for a while. I've been playing games a lot for a long time and lately I've been thinking of visiting other pastures before coming back. Maybe I'll do what a month ago I would have thought was a real sacrifice and not play Half-Life 2. I have comics to draw and I need inspiration for them, I have stories to write and I need characters to put in them. I have pictures to paint. Projects to finish. My life has recently felt a little empty and I need to find something to fill it with. I'm going to bend all my efforts to start trying to fill it with a Multimedia and Web Design degree from the local art institute. And if I think I can hack it, maybe a degree in Animation and Art Design instead. It's a much harder program and its a bachelor's now when even the associates was more expensive. Of course, the desire to chuck it all and move to Italy is tempting.

Monday, September 01, 2003

Another awesome weekend, a full 3 days. By sunday I had begun working on a new project. And I think I alienated someone very close to me permanently and I may never talk to her again and I'm feeling very bad about it. Worse only people who will make fun of me will probably read this and she won't. I grilled last night, and tonight. Hamburgers and hotdogs yesterday, savory marinated fajitas today. They melted in my mouth like butter... it was delicious. It was all a lot of fun, with some F-Zero thrown into the mix. I found some pictures of myself, very high quality. I'll put them online tomorrow. I felt like I had a lot to say, but I'm starting to think about how I messed up this weekend and feeling sick again, so I'm going to stop. See you later.

Saturday, August 30, 2003

Well, accomplishments for today... Three new comics. Completion of Tron 2.o, come monday I'll write a review to the best of my abilities. Possibly alienating a very good friend and seperating myself forever from someone I thought I would never stop being friends with. Practicing my arnis martial arts till my thumbs blister. Beating mission 2 of F-Zero on Very Hard mode. A fourth and fifth comic still on paper. And the night is still young, it's only 9, and I'm wide awake. I think I'll go out and practice till my blisters break, because I didn't do enough footwork. I really want to box... I don't have a punching bag so I can't practice my boxing against that, maybe one of my friends will be up for some one on one with the gloves on. I've discovered I have a lot of inner agression and frankly I wouldn't mind waking up tomorrow with a million bruises and not being able to breath right for a week. For me that's kindof like prayer. I pray too, but when I pray it isn't this all consuming flame inside of me like these things are, I can leave behind and do something till I break and can't do it anymore. Jumping off a cliff is like prayer, falling out of a tree, a punch in the face, a car wreck. Frankly I'm not stupid enough to pray in the really dangerous ways, of those Ive only done 3 and only one voluntarily. I remember my last car wreck, I was facing the other way before I even knew what was happening, it took forever. When I got out of the car I could barely stand up and I was shaking. I want to not be able to stand up right now. I want to run till my body tingles and I can't breath, I want to fall on the grass and hurt. I want to get lost in the woods and I want to be afraid I'll never go home again. I want to get lost at sea and wreck on a beach. I want to do something thats so consuming that I stop feeling everything else. That's how I want to pray right now.

Friday, August 29, 2003

Wow, 3 days of productivity and I've produced 5 comic strips that have yet to be inked and loaded online. Fair warning they don't all make sense, but they make me laugh and that is what I selfishly consider to be important. Can you blame me? When I'm done with them, probably sometime this weekend I'll post them where you can find them. I think there's like a grand total of 3 people who care that I draw them... and two of them are me. Oh well, I don't have much else to say other than I'm proud of myself....

Thursday, August 28, 2003

Well, goodbye Zac. It's been fun, and we'll see you when you get back. We'll poor out a bottle of rum for you. Don't let Star Wars: Galaxies get you kicked out.

My mom told me I need to give her 500 a month to keep the house, I told her yes, but I can't afford that. I barely scrape by as it is with all my other bills, 250 to her, 100 insurance, 100 for the truck, 50 for the cable and often 70 for the cell phone. Which my mother had gotten me to let her get a phone on, but then lied to me and said her sprint contract was 3 year and I was lucky that Verizon let me cancel her and waved the cancelation fee. And I got a comic strip out of listening to their on hold messages. It had one of the most amusing messages I've ever heard and I HAVE to draw a comic about it. So it's the street or poverty in an apartment with no college.

Good news: In the past 2 days I've drawn 3 comics, how cool is that? And tomorrow I could be reviewing Tron 2.o. It's been a genuinely productive week with writing and drawing on a daily basis, I've started exercising and practicing my martial arts. And to top it off I've STILL had time for SWG and Tron. Go figure, right? Not to mention my awesome sunday, I need to live every week like this week.

I think I'll be looking for an apartment soon maybe, honestly my only requirement is that it has cable or dsl internet connection so that i can run my webpage with my work on it.

All I have to say as a self concerned individual who is starting to think that he can't afford to even APPLY at the art institute?

When you're blue
and you don't know where to go to
why dont you go where fasion sits
Puttin' on the Ritz!

Wednesday, August 27, 2003

What do you know, I actually saw fit to draw two comics that are not yet on my comics page. Frankly I've been lax, cause I have FOUR comics now that I have yet to ink and post. I'm the perfect example of a genetically engineered slacker. A normal human couldn't procrastinate like me if they tried, I'm that good at it. You see this? Why didn't I post this earlier? Ask yourself, how did it take me an hour to write this paragraph? Oh well, I'd change, but there's plenty of time to change later and I don't feel like working on it today.

I started writing a whole new story that I really like that I want to set in a desert with a very strong and tribal theme that I've always wanted to use in a story since I first listened to the Mechwarrior 2 music. There's an unspoken passion in tribalism that maybe I'm imagining, it's one of the things that makes stories like the last of the mohicans good. I really want to work in the theme of history in the land you walk on, only from a different perspective, while in last of the mohicans they spoke of the new world wanding over where they once walked my story will focus on characters striving to remember all of those who have walked before them in everything they do. I thought a post nuclear setting would be good when my friend Jason told me he was making a Fallout comic, and I even considered using the Fallout universe myself, but decided against it in the end. Well, maybe I've decided. I'm very uncertain about these things. Sometimes I feel the only thing missing from books is you can't hear the music the author was hearing when they wrote it.

Tron 2.o IS the best game I've played this year. Nothing short of stunning, when it's not frustrating anyway. The problem comes from some very steep dificulty that comes out of nowhere in the gameplay, even on easy. And not frustrating because you arent good enough, it feels frustrating because at times it is just random and when you play you need to do something different and it will kill you if you take too long. It ends up being fun though, the jumping puzzles are even more natural than the ones in half life and even feel like you could play through the game without half of them if you dont feel like exploring, but JEEZ if you want this game so bad why don't you want to explore?

Meanwhile I've been compulsively singing Puttin' on the Ritz.

If you're blue and you don't know,
Where to go to, why don't you go,
Where fashion sits?
Puttin' On The Ritz.
Different types, who wear a day,
Co-pants with stripes, and cut away,
Coat, perfect fits?
Puttin' On The Ritz.

Dressed up like a million dollar trooper,
Trying hard to look like Gary Cooper.

Come, let's mix where Rockerfellas,
Walk with sticks, or umbrellas,
In their mitts.
Puttin' On The Ritz.
Spangled gowns upon a beauty of hand-me-downs, on clown and cutie,
All misfits.
Puttin' On The Ritz.

Have you seen the well to do?
Up and down Park Avenue?
On that famous thoroughfare,
With their noses in the air?
High hats and arrowed collars,
Wide spats and fifteen dollars.
Spending every dime,
For a wonderful time!

Tips his hat just like an English chappie,
To a lady with the wealthy happy.
Very Snappy!

You'll declare it's simply topping,
To be there, and hear them swapping,
Smart titbits.
Puttin' On The Ritz.
Puttin' On The Ritz.
Puttin' On The Ritz!!

Tuesday, August 26, 2003

It's a pretty good day. Ive been playing a ton of Tron 2.o and I am thoroughly impressed. The game has aesthetic beauty, the feel of the movie, and evolved gameplay that feels somewhere between Deus Ex and half life. It's not quite as good as either one, it lacks the pure action of half life and the intense narative of Deus Ex, but on its own it achieves its' own greatness.

I tried reading another book by Robert Anton Wilson, I can't help that I think the guys' writing just sucks. I know his work is well loved, and has inspired some inherently good things. But when I read his writing I'm left with something very disjointed and superficial and I just can't appreciate something with that little real substance that's that gratuitous. And Schrodinger's Cat isn't any better, well not a lot better. Anyway, so I quit reading it after about 30 minutes and said I can write better than that. And I started trying, but frankly I can't write nearly as MUCH as that. I just don't have the focus, I really need to develope it. And it makes me sick every time I look at the list of things that I started writing got maybe a chapter or two of and just never touched again, it's like my art and it makes me sick with myself. I hope no one reads this but I'm pretty sure someone will, my best hope is to update again and just hope no one looks through my archive.

I got rid of my broken bed last night, my mom found someone who wanted it and so I moved it there and after work I'm going there to put it together cause we forgot the bolts and screws. Cest' la vie. Soon I'll have a comfortable couch to sleep on, not that I wasn't sleeping on it already, now it will just be in my room. I just started feeling really bad again... post and publish.

Monday, August 25, 2003

Well, I called it, friday night rocked hard, a grand total of some eleven odd guests were there all at one time, there was Super Smash bros. and there was battlegrounds, but by saturday there was nothing but Star Wars Galaxies... the hamburgers were amazing and so were the hotdogs and grilling them was fun. I feel really sick inside though, saturday, amid all the fun a whole bunch of personal shit hit the fan for me. I found out that two of the friends I know and generally consider to be healthy people were real dumbasses, and went and smoked weed with some of the guests who are not regulars at my residence, ditching real tobacco in my wastebasket for my mother to find. It felt kinda like betrayal and I am pissed at both of them. I found out right after the burgers are done so after the delicious chewing and savoring the flavor mine didn't sit well. Then later that day something really awesome happened during the downtime, Gabby got back from camp and was online. I had company so I didn't have much time, or even the emotional capacity, to stay online and talk to her much longer than to find out that she had met a great guy at camp. I don't know if they started getting serious at camp, or if it's still a good friends but maybe hope for more thing, or if he had just asked her out. She was very sketchy about it, I'm pretty happy for her, she hasn't had a whole lot of people in her life for about a year or so now. Well, I got Tron 2.0 when we went to get Joe his copy of Galaxies... which in retrospect made me feel like crap. I have more important stuff to do that game. It's days like this I'm tempted to swear off gaming. Even if the things I want to do are just other hobbies.

Jason called again this weekend, last time he called was the weekend of my first blog post. That guy has got a knack for calling when I have 10 people at my house and at least 3 vying for my attention because we're on the same team in battlegrounds or we're trying to hunt in galaxies or we need to move the frontline up in DoD (which somewhat surprisingly got no play whatsoever this weekend) and maybe someone needs to know where the food is and someone is just trying to talk to me and I'm trying to pay attention to the phone. Eveything outside oft he phone blends together and is possible, add the phone in and you have a natural skill to block out the rest of the world while you communicate and its like havock, no one knows if youre talking to the phone or them, though we did get a little bit of good talking in about comics.

Then everything broke up and went home about 2 a.m. and I kept on till 4 and woke up at 10 and played Tron till it was time to go to my dad's house at 3:30 where I spent some quality time with his cat while I talked with him. If it hadn't been for the kitty in my lap... sigh... sometimes you just feel bad and you can't put why into words. After talking with my dad about school and college we went to go see Pirates of the Caribbean, the best movie of the summer if you haven't seen it yet. I hope to god they don't make a sequel. It was great fun and I started to feel better, both my dad and his lovely wife Mary Ellen enjoyed the movie and afterward they treated me to one of the best restaurants I've been to in a [i]very[/i] long time, H.B.'s Japanese Steak house. It's of the variety where you get to watch the chef prepare your meal for you at a table of like 3 or four tables and they do all sorts of fun things like juggling spinning eggs on their spatulla and setting fire to hot table surface or making a fire spewing volcano out of a stack of grilling onions. The food melted in my mouth and when I looked at the prices on the menu I realized I could afford to go there on my own even as the food was not overly expensive but rather extremely fair despite the service. While we were there my dad talked to me some more about school... and then later when we got home too. It's a subject that tears me up inside. I don't know what I want to do and that worries me because I feel like I should be doing something not just for a hobby.

Partly I really love where I am in life, I am very happy. Maybe I'm too comfortable and I need to shake up my life a little bit. I don't know and frankly... it's not easy to think about let alone talk about because of the great difficulty of communicating one's thoughts.

I probably have a lot more to say, but I'm not going to, it hurts to share and I've shared the equivilent of a knife to my abdomen here. I'm depressed and I feel like crap. I'll try to write tomorrow.

Friday, August 22, 2003

Today the LAN party begins, Mike and Zac are bringing their machines over for one last lan before Zac head off to college. He'll do awesome there, we all know he will and this will be our last goodbye, along with hotdogs and hamburgers grilled outside on my personal grill. Hell, maybe I'll splurge and make some of my kick ass fajitas. Chris is expected to spend some time there hanging out with us and gaming, as well as Joe, Jackson, Justin and maybe a few people might show up on the fly. All in all this weekend looks really promising for a ton of fun. Big surprise for this week: SWG looks like the game that will get the most play as at least 3 of us have accounts and characters on the same server and perhaps a fourth will join by this evening or saturday. That will be a first MMORPG to be game of honor at a LAN for me. Naturally other games on the agenda will include The Battle Grounds, a revolutionary war mod for half life staring one shot weapons with 40 second reloads, Day of Defeat, a past favorite and most played game in our LAN history Day of Defeat will recieve very little play, but i would not be surprised if it got a small chunk of play time, and last but not least a small list of GameCube and XBox games both multiplayer and singleplayer.

After playing the Demo for Tron 2.o a few weeks ago it became apparent that I need to purchase this game when it lands in stores this monday. Games that are as fun as that demo are pretty rare.

In other news, last night I was able to download and watch the full Deus Ex: Invisible War intro movie. How do I want this game, let me count the ways.... the video by itself, minus all previous knowledge of the game offers about a million reasons, it is going to be AWESOME. Maybe more action oriented than Deus Ex while being less so at the same time. I have untold fondness for the original work by Warren Spector, primary influence on other titles which have had me blowing hot air for hours on their merrit such as System Shock 2. This is one of my heroes, and the Looking Glass logo will be sorely missed at the beginning of his games, but life will go on and his games will continue to be some of the most enjoyable you can ever play, past and present. It is a shame it has been pushed back to a December release date, but you know what? I don't mind, there's enough games coming out to keep me entertained and happy until then.

Wednesday, August 20, 2003

Wednesday is here, and last night I bought my first pet on Star Wars: Galaxies, a nice peko that's at least as big as me. Well, that's no acomplishment, heck a tall jawa has me beat. Aside from that, not much has changed. I'm working on a comic book story line, that's been fun. And I need to work on my comic strip. I feel like I've been abandoning everything important to me lately. I did a lot of stuff and now, nothing but Star Wars: Galaxies till 4 every morning. Gabby has been gone to camp since sunday and I didn't get to say goodbye to her, I'm really missing her company. Here's a list of things I've started and havent done anything on in a month:

1) Programming my version of minesweeper
2) The Story of Edward
3) Applying to the art institute
4) Reading Dante's Divine Comedy: The Inferno (a decent book, but a dense read)
5) Inking 2 comic strips already drawn
6) Drawing new strips
7) Drawing a comic book
8) Playing a clan game of Battlegrounds
9) Updating my blog daily
10) The list has got to end somewhere....

So, in other news I'm getting really good at making these blog entries really long if you havent noticed. On the other hand, I have made some minor accomplishments. I played Elite Force II hardcore and then reviewed it in good time, now I should really do the same for Lionheart and Galaxies. Ive been exercising on a daily basis and I've been spending time with friends, maybe if i cut that down I might do more, or I might just cut down on that and end up doing nothing at all.

Monday, August 18, 2003

Funny how things work out since last I wrote here. Lionheart turned out to be a real disapointment. Beyond the excellent character creation system with shades of fallout there wasn't much there. The game played for the large part like baldur's gate, of which I am not overly fond for it's stress on combat over role playing and story line. If I wanted a hack and slash I would buy, and have baught, a first person shooter or any other shooter, like the excellent Elite Force II from Activision developed by Ritual entertainment, who like Black Isle may one day get the D&D license and make a game that totally alienates it's hard core shooter fans and satisfys the audience who loved Black Isle to death before Baldur's Gate, and now just buys their games out of pity with a weak hope in their heart that they'll make another real RPG that gives you the true multitude of answers to every problem with real quests that are far more than fetch this or kill so-and-so, and then everyone will be happy. On the otherhand, I picked up Star Wars: Galaxies because a friend had it and agreed to play Planescape: Torment, from the glory days of Black Isle, should I buy and play with him. Go figure, this game is GOOD. It's been nothing but fun since I started creating my character. Maybe it's just having a real life friend to run around the Star Wars' universe with shooting things, but this is on my list of 1 or 2 massively multiplayer online role playing games. Wel, till next time.

Thursday, August 14, 2003

I am a consumer whore. I just finished Elite Force II last night and this morning, I have a copy of Lionheart in my hands. I suppose that isn't totally rampant consumerism, I mean, can you call an affinitely for literature rampant consumerism? Role-playing games can be an aquired taste and this one has a little bit of history. It uses the same system that the developers, Black Isle, basically made up on short notice after having a falling out with Stever Jackson Games over the use of the GURPS role playing system for the game Fallout. What do you know it's an ancient classic now that any gamer worth their salt will tell you is worth digging up and playing, hacked together system or no. What they'll also tell you is that the system itself was pretty fun, and it's been put to good use here. So much for getting my life back after Elite Force II... oh well, at least I'll have that reviewed later today or tomorrow.

Wednesday, August 13, 2003

Promises, promises, so I promised I would put up a new post on monday. Well I have news, monday has come and gone and it should be quite apparant that I lied. It's not that I meant to, it's just that I'm not very good at keeping promises. Like the ones I make to myself. I.E. "I will fill out the application for the art institute of houston by this tuesday at the latest." Yeah, I blew that one too. I was all hyped after an interview last week where I really impressed a recruiter who I'm pretty sure is paid to be impressed. For all my artwork I dont have the 10 little required pieces they wanted. 3 landscape, 3 full figure, 3 still life, at best i have 2 still life and 2 landscape... Full figure you say? Maybe you've never seen my artwork, I just can't draw a person, I start and I end up with something thats not really twisted but is very expressive of an idea.... usually the idea is "look, I got bored". It's 150 just to apply... what type of rip is that. So the self doubt sets in and I don't want to apply till I'm finished with my portfolio. No biggie right? That's the same reason I didn't apply last year, so what have I done in the meantime? Well, for one I started drawing a comic strip, I've been learning to program in java, which I've also started to slack at, I wrote my own version of minesweeper from scratch and I've been practicing my photoshop skills. I've gained a lot of weight and lost a little of it. Other than that? Not much. It's really depressing and it makes me question what I'll do when I'm actually in the school working for a grade spending money, maybe wasting it. It's scary. Maybe I should just go to community college. Who knows. So a lot has happened this week, or rather, a lot hasn't happened that should have... there's still 3 days left, maybe it still will. PvP Online has had a really great story going lately, I recommend you go check it out, back up a week and read it from the begining. Well, till next time.

Sunday, August 10, 2003

This marks the end of an exemplary weekednd of fun and gamming with a good many of my best friends 3 days of LAN, with grilled food, sausage dogs, hamburgers, chips, movies and burning up from exhaustion at 4am. We found a way to set up a server and name it so that friends can play who are at the LAN and find us online and join over the internet for a fun time i was starting to think i would never have again. I haven't spent hardly any time with the people who are important to me online, and I miss them, but this weekend I really had to give my local friends priority and it was worth it, it's been the best time i've had in months. Odds are I'll post again tomorrow and even daily for a few weeks if it's interesting, but I never stick with anything for very long. Hello strangers who are reading this, hello friends, thanks for reading.
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