Monday, November 22, 2010

You Are the Last Drink I Never Should Have...

Be sure to crank the volume up at 1 min 40 seconds. This party was meant to be played loud.

Don't bother saying you're sorry.
Why don't you come in?
Smoke all my cigarettes - againe.
Every time I get no further.
How long has it been?
Come on in now,
Wipe your feet on my dreams.

You take up my time,
Like some cheap magazine,
When I could have been learning something.
Oh well, you know what I mean.

I've done this before.
And I will do it again.
Come on and kill me baby,
while you smile like a friend.
And I'll come running,
Just to do it again.

You are the last drink I never should drunk.
You are the body hidden in the trunk.
You are the habit I can't seem to kick.
You are my secrets on the front page every week.
You are the car I never should have bought.
You are the train I never should have caught.
You are the cut that makes me hide my face.
You are the party that makes me feel my age.

Like a car crash I can see but I just can't avoid.
Like a plane I've been told I never should board.
Like a film that's so bad but I've gotta stay til the end.
Let me tell you now,
It's lucky for you that we're friends.

Friday, November 19, 2010

Johnny Guitar

Peggy Lee
(Victor Young / Peggy Lee, 1954)

Play the guitar, play it again, my Johnny
Maybe you're cold, but you're so warm inside
I was always a fool for my Johnny
For the one they call Johnny Guitar

Play it again, Johnny Guitar

Whether you go, whether you stay, I love you
What if you're cruel, you can be kind I know
There was never a man like my Johnny
Like the one they call Johnny Guitar

Poetry by Whitman

To You. by Walt Whitman

STRANGER! if you, passing, meet me, and desire to speak to me, why should you
not speak to me?
And why should I not speak to you?

Monday, November 15, 2010

Things I Like

I like words that don't quite translate into English. Words that you
have to have a feeling for. I like the idea of a word that floats
along the border of definitions and is irreplaceable. And, I don't
mean for inventions or objects that originate in another language.
Take the word caritas, for instance. It's love, and charity, and a
spirit all at once. For all intents and purposes you can simply use it
with English because it hasn't evolved. It's about something that has
always existed and still exists today and you find it in people, and
there is no other word that quite captures that feeling of charitable
love or human thoughtful compassion. This has been my idée fixe for
the morning.

Friday, November 12, 2010


""Perhaps I'm being unfair to you," he said, still not sounding like
himself." My feeling must be of the species they call passion… One
thing I know for sure: without you it's the end of me, and with you
it's also the end. It makes no difference where you are: far or near,
you're always present. I also know that I could hate you a good deal
more than I could love you. .. I'm sorry that I had to fall in love
with someone like you.""

- The Raw Youth , Fyodor Dostoevsky

Bad humor.

You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
Official messages from Omegle will not be sent with the label 'Stranger:'. Strangers claiming to represent Omegle are lying.
You: I heard a great joke!
Stranger: tell me telll me.
You: What do you call a jewish cop?
Stranger: i dunno what ?
You: Officer
Stranger: that sucked.
You: :(
You: You have better?
Stranger: why didn't two melons get married
You: Why?
Stranger: cause they cantelope ! ahahahaha.
You: That was terrible. You're terrible.
You: That reflects poorly on you as a person.
Stranger: hahaha not as terrible as your joke.
You: Yeah? Well.. why do black people eat fried chicken?
Stranger: i dunno why ?
You: Because it is delicious.
Stranger: how many nor cal kids does it take to screw in a light bulb ?
You: How many?
Stranger: hellof.
Stranger: how long does it take them ?
You: How long?
Stranger: dayyyyyyyys.
You: A man walks into a bar
You: He's there because he suffers from crippling alcoholism that is tearing his family apart
Stranger: was that a joke ?
Stranger: that was horrible.
Stranger: it wasn't funny at all it was really sad.
Your conversational partner has disconnected.


"...there is no perfect defence. There is no protection. Being alive
means being exposed; it's the nature of life to be hazardous - it's
the stuff of living." - Annette Golding


Strawberry Emotions, the poem(Author Unknown)

loving your passion
feeling the sweetness of dreaming
surrending to those summer strawberry days
of strawberry emotions

sweet strawberry seeds
planted in your soul
hope that this dark, ripe strawberry
will be the sweetest you've ever experienced
strawberry emotions

strawberry juice trailing down your lips
kisses sticky
and suddenly the words flow
another basket of strawberries
another poem to write
another of many
strawberry emotions

sweet surrender
just surrender
to those summer
those lazy summer
and strawberry emotions

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Android Phone. The Best.


"Come to think of it, my reaction at the time is very similar to the way I feel at this very moment. Interesting the way things go full circle, I certainly know that at other points in my life I would have behaved in God knows how many other ways. I’ve only just begun rambling and here it already feels too dark, too heavy. Natural, though, given the time, and the way things were, things felt dark and heavy for everyone. Myself, though, I’d lead a serious childhood and had little stomach for this burning violent hatred around me. I don’t even remember which side I was on, being that I remember in the past having felt both ways about that trial, I think a little bit of both sides was right and a great deal of most everyone was wrong about most everything. I say that now, because remembering back to the burning art, and the police lines charging, even the tear gas that I did not entirely escape despite my leaving because I’d decided I just did not have the passion to stomach what I was participating in, it just all seemed too dark to me. I’ll probably say this again, and I’m sure everyone feels this way at some point in their lives, but with the tear gas and the smoke and the isolation of escaping down alleyways and feeling I’d belonged to neither side of something quite horrible, I felt that the entire world had summed up to a terrible sort of product entirely. I felt that everything had gone amazingly wrong in the most fantastic way for everyone, and I had to get away."


Let us leave this place where the smoke blows black
And the dark street winds and bends.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

NaNoWriMo 2010

I'm plan to succeed for the second time. I am getting a very late start, but I am not 100% invested in success, it is the journey and the honest attempt. On top of that, I do not feel that 8 days late is an unrecoverable start. Here goes, my opening:


I suppose that I have a story worth telling, though I am perhaps an exceptionally poor narrator for the task. Apologies must be given in advance as I am fully aware of the fact that brevity is the soul of wit and must make you aware early on that I have never been accused of being a man of any such wit to speak of.

Who gets to decide?

Words are just so.. beautiful. Language is amazing and constant and
everyone. To quote Jon Osterman, "Yes. Anybody in the world. ..But the
world is so full of people, so crowded with these miracles that they
become commonplace and we forget... I forget. We gaze continually at
the world and it grows dull in our perceptions. Yet seen from the
another's vantage point, as if new, it may still take our breath away.
Come... dry your eyes, for you are life, rarer than a quark and
unpredictable beyond the dreams of Heisenberg. Come, dry your eyes.
And let's go home." He is speaking about the miracle of existence,
but, when you stop and think about it, how everything is miraculous,
the quote's context is transferable. The expressive nature of
language, the transference of ideas...

People dream of psychic readings and the ability to telepathically
communicate thought, but only because they don't see how many ways we
communicate our thoughts and dreams already. When someone says the
word language, most people think specifically of words, of english,
spanish, or german, but.. it's every single way we share what is
inside of us, even when we are totally unaware that we are
broadcasting it. We even build language into music. A hand gesture, a
look from our eyes... even the negative space of what we ignore and
despise can be used to read our hearts, our secret wants, desires, and
our pain.

I propose that this is a miracle that passes continuously and is lost
because of its immersive presence in our lives. How many miracles seem
completely commonplace to me? What do I look at with disdain that
is... an impossible construct of chance and beauty? Its terrifying and
amazing. You should be so lucky to take miracles for granted.

Tuesday, November 09, 2010


You know, it's difficult to really describe the relationship between music and life, because the very nature of such an emotional force begs the use of hyperbole and exaggeration. Even weirder is the way that, while listening to it at least, statements such as, "Music is essential to life," feel absolutely true. Happy music, sad music, and even angry music all satisfy some kind of deep passion in your soul that you don't even know is there when you're not thinking about it. It can float in the background for minutes and minutes and you can find suddenly that you've been tapping your foot to a tune that was playing beneath the audio level you were not paying attention to.

Perhaps it is only hyperbole to say that music is essential to life in that they are inseparable, because every soul has music in it, that escapes in tapping fingers to unheard tunes or meaningless humming. Music is like a different voice that has to be explored to be used effectively. It is important to ask, though, why should the fire die?

All I know for certain is that the whole world burns.

Hey, those books you gave us look good on the shelves at home,
And they’ll burn warm in the fireplace, Teacher, when in Rome.

"I have a special power," he said with a certain pride that made him sit up a bit taller.

"Yeah? What is it?" She hardly cared, barely paying attention to him, responding with rote conversational curiosity.

"I can bring people back to life if I focus hard enough, I can undo the event of their death."


"Yes. But..."

"But what?" Her eyes followed a sad looking old man on a bench by a hardware store. The perspective of him through the window shifted with the pace of the bus as it moved past him, leaving him behind as it continued on to the next stop. She wondered for a moment if he was really sad, or if he only looked sad to her because of her own feelings of boredom as she responded with empty mechanical conversational prompts.

"Well.. I can only bring back people who wanted to die. It's so strange, and maybe it has something to do with the relationship with wanting things and having things or the restlessness of their souls or whatever, but, the people I am most likely able to save, are suicides. Well. Half of them."

"Half of them?"

Saturday, November 06, 2010


Tonight was really amazing. Went to the Cafe Du Bois with my parents and enjoyed a really remarkable dinner and wine. My step mom told me how she and my dad were finally able to visit their granddaughter again after a long feud with her mother and father over some very important issues. I was so happy for them. My dad's guitar instructor was the musical guest for the evening, and he played the whole time we were there without a single break, and he was brilliant. Blues, classics, everything. He was wonderful, and I can see why my dad likes taking lessons from him. After that I went and played guitar over at Shepard's house. Before that I played guitar for hours and talked food at Chefs 2b.

I think I am wrestling with some serious depression, though, and I am doing my best to deal with it. It hits pretty hard and pretty unexpectedly when people are kind and generous, and it is just weird to cry at dinner in a public restaurant. Clenching my jaw only does so much, and no matter how hard I try I can't keep a few tears from leaking out. I try and suck it up, because, really.. this is life. Life is suffering. It's not like I'm a wreck and struggling to deal with day to day life. There's no one who can give me advice I don't know. Some people want to console you by telling you how hard life is, but if life was so hard it wouldn't be a tragedy. Life is BEAUTIFUL, and amazing, and wondrous. Philip K. Dick described a character who dealt with the pain of a life shifting in nature by believing that the normal life was lacking in surprise, saying that it had to end because it was boring, and that his dark and destroyed life had achieved greatness because it was full of wonder and surprise. Later, in his despair, he expresses hatred for the space he occupies, stating that his life and his home should belong to someone who has what he denied wanting. It's sort of a beautifully tragic dance with suffering, for the person who suffers it is not a matter of circumstance. I just wish I could control myself at dinner. I don't want to sit there with people I love, listening to amazing music and damn near dancing in our seats because it makes you just want to get up and move, and then the next minute be slouched over trying to hide the lines of tears down my cheeks.

Her name was Jewel Scott. She was 2 months and 1 day old. She liked strawberries, and blueberries, and she didn't like beef and she loved it when I sang to her and talked to her. She would have been born April 2011. And everyone tells me that she is in a better place, and all I can think is... a million different things. How can I let this pain make me a better person? How can I not let this be just waste. Art, poetry, storytelling. I don't know. I just wish I could control my eyes at dinner, that I could keep from breaking down in front of the whole world. No one needs to see that, it doesn't help anything to have it out there, where no one can help.

A lifetime is more than sufficiently long for people to get what there is of it wrong.
- Piet Hein

Pay no attention to what the critics say... Remember, a statue has never been set up in honor of a critic!
- Jean Sibelius

My Halloween:

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Friday, November 05, 2010


Something that Must be Shared

Because pinball was illegal for so long, it became a symbol of youth
and rebellion. If you watch a movie or TV show that was either
produced or takes place during this period, virtually any time pinball
makes an appearance, it is for the purpose of portraying to the
audience that a particular character is a rebel. For example, the Fonz
is regularly seen playing pinball in "Happy Days" episodes. And when
"Tommy," The Who's pinball-wizard-themed rock opera album came out in
1972, pinball was still banned in much of the country. The album's use
of pinball is largely misunderstood by today's audiences, who may view
the deaf, dumb and blind pinball wizard as quirky. In all likelihood,
The Who was using the game to portray the titular character as
anti-authoritarian. Filmmaker Richard Linklater makes use of this
symbol in a significant number of his movies, with rebellious or
outcast characters seen playing or talking about pinball in virtually
every one. And in "The Simpsons," Sideshow Bob once proclaimed,
"Television has ruined more young minds than pinball and syphilis

Thursday, November 04, 2010


"It had to end, and it did. Now in the dark world where I dwell...
ugly things and surprising things and sometimes little wondrous
things...spill out at me constantly...and I can count on nothing." -
Robert Arctor

Wednesday, November 03, 2010

Dinner... Yum!

Last night I cooked dinner for Jake's family. One of the best meals I
learned to cook while I was in Korea.. ridiculously simple, the whole
meal was about 6 dollars to make, it was an amazing chicken soup with
potatoes and mushrooms and then the chicken gets picked apart and
dipped into this amazingly delicious chili sauce. I may make it again
tonight, or switch to something else. I have been working for months
on great ways to make really rich and delicious meals for cheap.

Tonight I am going to try to cook food for the Newman's and show Matt
Shadow of the Vampire. I've seen it before, and it is a humorous but
sympathetic storytelling narrative that has Willem Defoe(eVille!), and
John Malkovich in it. Don't know what I'll cook, though. I'll decide
while I am at HEB. Whatever I cook, hot tea tonight, if the weather is
any kind of indicator. Chills! Delightful!

Still on a bit of a high when I think about the sweet bottle of cab
that I won at the winery halloween party, going to save that for a
very special occasion.

Got another stilt walking job on friday, that's 3 in two weeks, plus
15 hours of overtime at work this week.


One, two, princes kneel before you
(that's what I said, now)
Princes, Princes who adore you
(Just go ahead, now)
One has diamonds in his pockets
(And that's some bread, now)
This one, said he wants to buy you rockets
(Ain't in his head, now)

This one, he got a princely racket
(That's what I said, now)
Got some big seal upon his jacket
(Ain't in his head, now)
You marry him, your father will condone you
(how bout that, now)
You marry me, your father will disown you
(he'll eat his hat, now)

Marry him or marry me,
I'm the one that loves you baby can't you see?
I ain't got no future or a family tree,
But I know what a prince and lover ought to be,
I know what a prince and lover ought to be....

Said, if you want to call me baby
(Just go ahead, now)
An' if you'd like to tell me maybe
(Just go ahead, now)
An' If you wanna buy me flowers
(Just go ahead, now)
And if you'd like to talk for hours
(Just go ahead, now)

Said, One, two, princes kneel before you
(that's what I said, now)
Princes, Princes who adore you
(Just go ahead, now)
One has diamonds in his pockets
(And that's some bread, now)
This one, he wants to buy you rockets
(Ain't in his head, now)

Marry him or marry me,
I'm the one that loves you baby can't you see?
I ain't got no future or a family tree,
But I know what a prince and lover ought to be,
I know what a prince and lover ought to be....

Said, if you want to call me baby
(Just go ahead, now)
An' if you'd like to tell me maybe
(Just go ahead, now)
If you wanna buy me flowers
(Just go ahead, now)
And if you'd like to talk for hours
(Just go ahead, now)
And if you want to call me baby
(Just go ahead, now)
An' if you'd like to tell me maybe
(Just go ahead, now)
If you'd like buy me flowers
(Just go ahead, now)
And if you'd like to talk for hours
(Just go ahead, now)

If you want to call me baby

(Just go ahead, now)

An' if you'd like to tell me maybe

(Just go ahead, now)

If you wanna buy me flowers

(Just go ahead, now)

And if you'd like to talk for hours

(Just go ahead, now)

ohh baby
(Just go ahead now)
ooh just just go ahead now
ooh your majesty,
(Just go head now)
come on forget the king and marry me
(Just go ahead now)
come on, come on, come on,
(Just go ahead now)
and go ahead now
yeah, just go ahead now
Yeah, If you want to buy me flowers
(Just go ahead now)
yeah just go ahead now baby

Fun and Games

I think there is someone out there reading this who would really enjoy

Tuesday, November 02, 2010

I Have Not Been Myself

In my profound grief, I have allowed myself to be impatient.
In my impatience, I have allowed myself to be angry,
In my anger, I have failed to be at peace,
And through my weaknesses, I have not been who I want to be.

I believe the most important things in life, are integrity, though this may mean different things at different times.
It means doing what you think is important even when it is very difficult,
And part of the challenge in life, is deciding what is important when there are conflicts and mutually exclusive needs.

This is why it is hard to say that anything anyone does is wrong, as long as it was done with integrity.

At this time in my life, integrity means accepting my pain and being there for the people around me,
Continuing to grow, continuing to believe.

I have known for a very long time that my belief in God must be unconditional, either unconditional disbelief,
Or unconditional belief.

Pain and suffering visits the innocent and guilty alike, as well as good fortune and happiness.
It is a fallacy to believe that misfortune is any more a sign of God's absence than fortune a sign of presence.
Knowing this means that once decided, my faith will never waiver. I believe in God, however,
I believe in a God that visits pain and suffering on those that love God as well as those who do not.
My faith gives me no comfort in times of grief, no strength in times of abundance.
Life is suffering.

My faith gives me strength, and resolve. I believe that it is my responsibility to make this world better,
for those who come after me, as well as for myself. Art, music, love, children, charity, solace.
If every misfortune was visited with anger, revenge, the destruction of art, the silencing of music,
Then the misfortunes of the world would be magnified a hundred times. It is through, not simple forgiveness,
But a complete acceptance of life's suffering, and a magnanimous response of creativity, patience,
And understanding that healing is propagated instead of deeper wounds.

Shared pain is lessened, shared joy increased.


Today, I share music:

How lucky can one guy be;
I kissed her and she kissed me
Like the fella once said,
Ain't that a kick in the head?
The room was completely black
I hugged her and she hugged back.
Like the sailor said, quote,
"Ain't that a hole in the boat?"
My head keeps spinning;
I go to sleep and keep grinning;
If this is just the beginning,
My life's gonna be beautiful.
I've sun- shine enough to spread;
It's like the fella said,
"Tell me quick
Ain't love like a kick in the head?"

Like the fella once said,
Ain't that a kick in the head?

Like the sailor said, quote,
"Ain't that a hole in the boat?"
My head keeps spinning;
I go to sleep and keep grinning;
If this is just the beginning,
My life's gonna be beautiful.
She's telling me we'll be wed;
She's picked out a king size bed.
I couldn't feel any better or I'd be sick;
Tell me quick, oh ain't love a kick?
Tell me quick, ain't love a kick in the head?
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