Thursday, July 12, 2012

I'm Like Beef Jerkey Coated in Chocolate

I didn't sleep on tuesday night. Partly because I didn't have to. I had wednesday off and I knew I could stay up as late as I wanted and sleep as late as I wanted. I didn't sleep at all last night, though. And I had work at 7 this morning. It's raining outside, and I'm surrounded by this constant cascade on the roof and door and walls and window. It's beautiful in so many ways. I don't think not having to work is why I didn't sleep on tuesday. I think it's the same reason I didn't sleep last night.

I guess I lost another friend. Mostly I was wondering if there was anything I could have done differently, or should have done differently. I started thinking about all the times I've lost people I was close to before. When you see one friendship go down in flames you start to think of all the ones that have. This wasn't the biggest one, in fact, it was relatively minor. But it got me thinking.

So I ended up laying in bed with my eyes closed and just trying to will myself to sleep, and to dream. Not just any dream, though. I wanted to dream of flying. It's some of the happiest dreaming I've ever had. I remember throwing myself at the ground and missing. It was exactly like Douglas Adams described it in The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. You throw yourself to the ground and you just lazily lift up. You can't steer, just.. drift.. fast or slow or up or down. I wanted that.

You can't ever go home again. That's not always a negative truth. For me, once I start caring for someone I can't ever stop, I think, and that's a good feeling, because caring is passionate and beautiful. I move on, and I get distanced, but I don't stop caring. You can't ever just be strangers with someone ever again. You know who they are in their head and when you know that, you only need five minutes and it's like they were never gone. You can't ever undo that kind of friendship, even if something comes between you so big and so disruptive that they can't ever be around you ever again.

Anywho. Maybe I'm going to try and get some rest at work.. maybe do some sleeping to the sound of rain falling. Good night, all.

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