Saturday, June 04, 2005

I find it interesting that the only feeling I can think of that does not dull after feeling it too much is envy. If anything, the pressence of the object of envy and the prominant feeling of it seems only to make it stronger. Joy, sadness, fear, wonder, all other feelings seem to wane as though they were each a day and that their onset promised nothing more than their end, and that between those two moments, the beginning and the end, anything could happen. But envy... envy can never be satiated, it never wans or fades or grows old. In truth, I loathe my envy, and yet I constantly find new things that seem worthy of it. When I see someone experiencing something for the first time, I envy that they have yet to be dulled to it. I yearn, in my sould, to feel things as though they are always new, even if I have experienced them a thousand times.

This is a wandering thought, but it aslo happens that from time to time, I also feel like my life deserves meaning. Of all the grand ways in which that phrase has been used, I mean to say, value and lasting purpose. Now, certainly many turn to God, or to any number of outside forces to give them purpose, and while I certainly believe that it is totally personal to me whether I believe in God or not(ha! you thought I was going to tell you what I believed! n00b!) but whether or not it matters in the grand scheme of how things work, I believe that my belief matters. Either I believe in God and there is a God, and nothing changes because God was never one to put off planning someone's meaningless demise even though they believed in him, and the same outcome is true if I don't believe in God, and it's also true if I believe, but there is no God, and yet equally true if I don't believe and there is no God. In a way, it's almost bleak to think about it. So, meaning, is what your life is left with when it's over with, what other people get out of it. I want to be a good person, a better person than maybe I really can be. So help me, I will strive for it. I want to be the type of person I dreamed of when I was six, honest to a fault, strong of character, and ambitious. I want to have so much spirit it bursts out of my seams and does things that I should not be capable of doing. I want to make other people's lives better. I think, that should I live to be a thousand and have do nothing for anyone, then I would have been better dying tomorrow for a trivial cause. I expect neither is neccessary.

Extremes always make me wonder. They never seem to be right. I find myself often pondering them and even supporting them in favor of alternatives, but always in retrospect I discover that I don't really support them. There is not always a correct course of action, often this comes when no matter what you do, someone suffers. I love hypothetical situations in that they can make you feel like crap over things that would never happen. Such as, if it rested on your shoulders would you save 1 million people, or 5 hundred thousand people among whom was someone you loved, such as your mother, or your father or your wife or your child, or would you through inacction allow 1 million 5 hundred thousand to die?

It will never happen, you will never have to make that decision, but it drives you nuts in the emotional catch of the problem.

I have also been thinking, that nothing done through anger or hatred is done well. I certainly still believe that often things must die, and that it is still essential that often people are thrown into such conflict that they must fight and maybe die for what they believe is right or for what they want, but, I believe that it can be done with passion that is not driven through anger or hatred. Necessity is a far more powerful motivation than anything else I can imagine, as well as a wall. It may look passionless when it's done, on the surface, often someone doing something unusual, or particularly important would seem to be cold and distant. I think, that this is a most incredible act, to seperate yourself from everything you feel about what you're doing, and do only what you have to. I could imagine just as much damage being done out of love as I can out of hate, as Robert Frost put it, Fire or Ice. One wonders though, if it's the same event, why does anyone care how it happens?

I saw Cindarella Man tonight, and I thought it was a really beautiful movie, I shed a single tear from each eye right before the final fight started I was so moved by the plight and attitude of Jim. It was inspiring and it made me do a lot of thinking and pondering and poetic lines flowed through my head. This is certainly going to stew inside of me for a long time. Anyway, I don't normally do saturday updates, but I was particularly inspired. It's very late, so have a good night.
/* Amazon Associates Script